It was never been an easy thing to deal with, not really, when it’s like you’ve been smashed all  way long, fall into pieces, like you never ever had a chance to make up the things you’ve done and regretted. Not now, not ever. I should’ve sworn to myself that it wouldn’t be like that all the way, that it would came into a point that I would hear some words I hinder myself not to listen enormously. But then again the time has really its own way, for me to embrace the reality of the things I really feel sorry for myself.  That moment when you can’t control those freakin’ emotions, and all you have to do is to cry all day long, keep on telling yourself that it’s not happening to you but then the sense of certainty came into you that you’re only just fooling yourself if you believe on it. Well then, having a failure grade doesn’t really makes you sad, but rather feeling sorry that if you could just only turn back time and do your at most best and not having that embarrassing grade at the end of the sem. But oh, at first, I really can’t accept it. L

It was definitely hard to admit, after hearing those words Ma’am Netura had just understated, I just can help myself but to utter the words, “Ma’am, please give me another chance. Please. I’m willing to take a removal.” But then she replied, “You’re grade is just that LOW. Don’t worry; there is another sem for you to make up.” My jaw dropped unconsciously. It was final. ‘Twas done. And it was very painful. Those words have been slowly absorbed in my head because I was really lost. I was about to protest, but I don’t have any slightest idea what to say at that moment. I was absolutely speechless. The words I long to say was already lost in the middle of nowhere. Then at a fraction of a second, I was back on the reality then suddenly I can’t fight the urge to cry, and it all happened, tears unwillingly flowed in my now pale cheeks. I went out. And in all the places I should’ve went, I found myself on the rest room, mourning and weeping. After a few minutes, I’ve decided to go back to the dorm and have someone to talk to, at least for now; I should have that in mind before I could have done anything else bad to myself.

I was riding in a tricycle, still tears gushing on my face, and my pride tells me to leave it absorbed by the wind.  I was about to enter the dorm when I’ve done something relieving. I called an old friend and tell him what’s wrong with me. What’s really stupid with me is that all I do is just crying and crying and the time I’ve spent on telling him what really happened is just matter of seconds, then someone called me in the back but I just pretended not hearing anything, but considering the fact that he had still an exam to deal with, I shut down my phone and went on inside.

Our room has no one inside it. In the back of my mind, I was comfortable though, at least I have the freedom to grieve all by myself. At one point at a time, I realized I was no longer having that normal pace of breathing. I went out of the room and see if my Ate Ella was at the other room. She was there, and the moment she come to face me, I was crying even harder, harder than ever. She hugged me so tight, and accompanies me to our room. We have a short converse then my Mom called me. Thankfully, she didn’t scold me, she just told me to stop crying, because that bothers her and she doesn’t want anything worse to happen to me. She appealed to travel and come for me then, but I decided not to, coz I know I can manage it anyway. Ate Ella was there for me for about 30 minutes or so, and she told me not to worry about anything. It was just a part of my life. It was my lesson, that I shouldn’t do it anymore that I should strive hard to conquer my weakness and to overcome it finally.

I was relieved by what Ate Ella had said on me. In an instance, I had finally stopped crying. Then I’ve decided to take a bath, considering it was very hot in our room because the power had lost its energy. The moment I went out of the comfort room, I was surprised when my Ate Con-Con came to hug me. She asked me what my problem is then I told her everything. We decided to have a walk together and we came into a halt in the other side of the grandstand I cried even harder even though she told me to stop crying. But then she keeps on telling me that it was just okay. Anyway, there’s still a chance for me to make up and settle things for good. It doesn’t have to mean anything bad, but a reminder to strive even harder, to do my best and to keep it up for my parents. That was so relieving. She also told me not to bother at all, because I will always be with them, who will never fail to not help me even in my darkest days. Even though I haven’t manage to say anything but thank Ate Con-Con, I still have that urge to hug her tightly showing how happy I am and content for what had she just said on me.

After having that heart-to-heart chat with another concerned citizen, Kean, my not-so-close-friend approached me. We then have a talk, and I told him my concern at that moment. He hugged me, and then he also shared what are his worries; that he thought his high school friends are betraying him. Even in grief, I told him my outmost and profound advices for him to deal with it. He thanked me a lot for that and I owe him for comforting me, even though we’re not that close I’m still thankful that we’ve talk about confidential matters which means, he thought that I am that person whom he can trust with. After having a talk with Kean, my friends Nino came beside me and Andrei hugged me so tight. We had a serious chat but I haven’t talked that much, because I had enough to recall what happened to me at all and besides Ate Ella explained that already on them, as what had Nino said.

Well, I went on inside because I really hadn’t much put in mind that we still have the sem-ender party later that night and I still don’t think of anything else to wear. I went to my wardrobe and thankfully I’ve seized a jumper to fit on a Sem-ender Kiddie Party theme. Later on, the party went on. I’ve spent so much fun with the party, took pictures with friends, bidding goodbyes to close friends, and reminiscing memories since the time we innocently entered the dorm which now we call our best home in UPV. After having our short program, the crowd went wild, enjoying every beat of their favorite music. I suddenly remember what my Ate Keysie said that she wants to talk with me. I left the lobby and went to her room. As she was still having a chat with some of my girl dorm mates, I’ve waited for her. After a few more minutes, she went outside her room. Then we settle ourselves on the Wing A study area. I must say that my conversation at that moment with ate Keysie was the most emotional among those chat that I’ve had encountered on that day. I was very touched with every word she stressed on me. I cried so hard then, and what’s so sweet with her is that she wiped every tear that falls under my now tired and weary eyes. At the moment, I thought of my Ate as being a professional psychologist. Those words really inspired me, through perspired eyes, Ate Keysie never failed to make me smile. She said, “Don’t feel like you’re that foolish enough to fail, its just that you were blessed in a different way. Don’t feel bad about it; what is really important is what you are going to do now to start anew. We’re always here for you, but it would always depend on how you are going to make it.” At he end of our conversation, Ate Keysie hugged me so tight, she told me to stop crying but instead, smile, because everything else would be okaaayyyyy. Ohay. L

I’ve learned so many things during that day, after talked with my ever loving Ates and few friends I realized that I’m really that loved. Haaaay. Life is never indeed easy. I have to face all the challenges God has given me in order to be good, and better person. After all, weaknesses really remind us to be depended on God, to know that he existed and will always be there for us. Oh well, just like what we have in our dormitory, I believe it was just another gentle reminder God had given me. For now, I really have to face this challenge and bear in mind to give all my best, all the strength that I could muster, all for His glory.

December 10, 2010

MY CHRISTMAS WON’T BE THE SAME WITHOUT HIM

Blah. Blah. Blah. I’d never thought I’ve come this far. I’d never dreamed of loving someone who loved me as much as I loved him. I’d never thought that God would give me a person whom I craved most by now.

I know that every person in the world right now is experiencing this stuff. But I reckon mine’s quite different.

He’s always on my heart, even though my mind keeps on erasing him. On my way, on the other side of the road, at the park, but I always regret him, told him I don’t see him, as if I don’t know him, and don’t care for him at all. Whenever my friends talk about him, I just keep on pretending that I’m angry at him,l and don’t love him anymore.

But in every word (or shall I say lies?) that comes from my mouth just reminds and bounds back at me that I still love him as he loved me more than anything in the world.

Sometimes, I just really want to cry, but I just can’t. Anyone around me is happy, so why am I so sad? But even though I’m always in a happy crowd, I actually get lost in it. I still want him with me…

Christmas is coming… and it won’t be the same without him. L

*This was written way back 2 years ago, when I was just in my 3rd year. I actually found this on one of my old notes in high school while searching for something useful in my Math 14 class. Hahaha! I just can’t help myself but laugh harder and deeper rather than pitying myself for some grammatical inaccuracies, dangling modifiers, and few mistakes in parallelism of words and phrases. I’ve realized that I’m not that quite good in writing during my high school days, well not until what I am now. Seriously, guys. Hehehe. And hey, am I really that childish way back then? What was more foolish than loving someone who was, eeeew!! Haha. It’s so yuccckyyyy. I should’ve known then. Hihihi. For now, let’s not go deeper than that. Forget about it, okaaay?  It was just some part of my stupidity during my, you know idiocy days. Huahaha!

Image  —  Posted: October 14, 2012 in Love and Remorse

A Matter of Choice

Posted: October 14, 2012 in Education
Tags: , , ,

 

Most grade-schoolers  intently  dream  about  the  day  they   will   walk   across   the   stage   on commencement day and receive their diplomas. They are under the impression they will be free from all work  in  their  life,  and  be  able  to  finally  live. When   they  get  to  high  school,  they soon realize the biggest  decisions  in  their  life  will  soon  be  made  and their work has just begun. A person graduating from high school can take many directions in life,  most  graduates  either dorm  at  college,  commute to college, or begin working.

To begin with, many graduates run from   their  parents and desire to go to college as  far  away from home as possible. When graduates move away, they get  their first taste of   living away from home which brings   added responsibilities. Cooking, cleaning, and   doing laundry  are a few examples of how college students have to  learn to  provide for themselves. College students who move away have to build relationships and   meet new people; these  new   friends can take them  down paths   they should not go. Such as a college student who starts partying and getting into sinful acts, their mom is not there to scold them. Also, earning a college degree gives a  person greater  earning potential  and the ability to work in the field of their choice. A person  majoring in marine  biology will find a  job in marine biology because they went to college for it because it is what they  enjoy doing. Going away to college can be a wonderful time for a person to mature  and start their adult life, but it can also  give a person the opportunity to go downhill in life decisions.

Another  decision a  person  may choose  after graduating  high school is  commuting  to college. Commuting is  not a  possibility  for everyone  graduating  high school  because of location, but can be a great opportunity for those who are in  drivable distance to a college. Living with parents and driving to college can save a college student money  because  they do not have to pay to dorm. Staying with parents means mom  is still  around to provide  home cooked meals and  life does  not  dramatically change from high school. A commuting college  student can  stay under the  wing of their parents  for  longer, such as getting their parents to continue to  pay for  groceries and  other necessities  of life. A commuting college student can easily  stay in  touch with high school  friends and  can also  make  new  ones in  college. The influence of peer pressure is not as great to a  commuting student because they will not be on campus on the  weekends  unless  they choose to be.  Commuting to  college can be a great way to save money, while still earning a college degree.

Last, many high school graduates decide not  to strive  for a  college  degree  and  join  the work force right after graduating. Choosing not to further education past  high  school  doesn’t  give  a person the earning  potential  a college graduate has by  graduating  from  college, although  they  will  also  not incur school debt. This means they will not be forced to pay back expensive school loans and will be able to have more financial freedom in the short term. A  person joining the work force has the ability to stay in touch with friends in the area they live in and can either live at  home for a few years after graduating or find their own place to reside. Joining the work force out  of high  school  is  a great  option  for  some people who choose to do so but is not the best plan for those who want to further their education.

A person decision about what they will do after high school, weather  it  is going away to college, commuting to college or  joining  the  work  force, will  affect  them the rest of their life. A lot of thought and prayer should go into any decision, especially  those  which  will  affect  a person for the rest of their life. In the end, if a person  follows  what  they  believe God wants them to do it will end up the way God wants it.

Paano na ba natin masasabi ngayon na ang kabataan ay ang pag-asa ng bayan? Sa panayon ngayon, tila malabo na talaga ang konseptong ito.Pagmasdan mo ang paligid mo, at sana makita mo kung ano ang iniisip ko.

Ang mga kabataan likas namarurupok. Pilit nilang snusunod kung ano ang uso sa mga panahong ito. Isana dito ay ang pagsunod sa mga nag tetrending na mga fashion designs, mga kantang kung hindi mo n a maintidihan dahil sa mabilis nitong tempo, pagkakandarapa sa mga kinagigiliwang KPOP group lalong lalong-lalo na ngayon na na sa modernong panahon na tayo ngayon, mabilis na ang pag-access natin sa Internet,samga social networking sites gaya ng facebook, twitter at tumblr.

Dahil samga impluwensyang ito, pagmasdan niyo, kung ano ang nagiging pekto nito sa mga kilos at gawi ng mgakabataan ngayon.Dati rati, balo’t na a lot sa kasuotan ang mgadalaga’t mahinhing mga Pilipina, ngayon, san ka pa makakakita ng ganyan? Aba’t totoo nga naglalabasan yung mga dalagang naka spaghetti straps at super shorts ang mas lala pa dyan ay meron pang ka holding hands na lalaki.Sa mga lalaki naman, noong araw, ay halos magkandarapang ligawan yung iniirog nila gagawin ang lahat para lang mapasakanila. Pero anona ngayon ang nangyayari? Hay nako. Dun na nila gnililigawan sa cellphone, o di kaya chat sa facebook. Tapos nkonting uto lang nung mga lalaki, bibigay naman agad yung mga babae.Ano ba naman yan? Marami na ngang nagdadalang-tao ang bata-bata pa tapos yung iba nama’y di na virgin dahil dito eh. Tapos hindina rin makapagtapos ng pagtapos ng pag-aaral. Di na ba sila nahiya? Paano na ang ating bayan nyan pag ganito nalang ang katangian ng ating henerasyoon?

Sa kabila namang banda, Maraming dahilan kung bakit nalululong ang mga kabataan sa masamang bisyo. At ang pangunahing dahilan nito ay kahirapan. Dahil sa hirap ng buhay, walang trabaho, walang pagkakakitaan, hindi makapag-aral at walang pagkakaabalahan matututo silang gumamit ng droga para pansamantalang makalimutan ang kanilang mga problema. Maaari din nila itong gamiting pampalakas ng loob para gumawa ng krimen o panandaliang pagkakakitaan tulad ng panghoholdap at pagnanakaw.

Nandyan din ang kawalan ng suporta mula sa pamilya. Kulang sila sa atensyon, pag-aalaga at pagmamahal mula sa magulang at sa lipunan. At hahanapin nila ito sa paggamit ng droga para takasan ang sakit ng kalooban.

Isa ring dahilan ay ang pagsama sa maling barkada o itinuturing na mga kaibigan. Sila ang naglulugmok sa mga walang muwang na mga kabataan. Kaya marapat lamang na kilalaning mabuti at piliin ang mga taong sinasamahan at kinakaibigan. Paggabay ng magulang at lipunan ay mahalagang kailangan ng bawat kabataan.

 

Ano nalang kaya ang mangyayari kung ang lahat ng mamayan dit sa Pilipinas sa  susunsunod na taon kung ganito ang kaugalian ng mga tao? Kawawa naman yung mga sususnod pang henerasyon kug susundin pa nila ang mga ganitong paraan ng pamumuhay. Sa mga kabataan, huwag niyo naman sanang     sirain ang inyong kinabukasan. Dahil maling-mali na talaga ang sistemang sinusunod natin ngayon. Mamulat na sana kayo sa katotohanan, iwaksi ang mali, sundin ang tamang landas.

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“Wake up and get ready. Today’s Sunday. We’ll go to the church together.” This would always be the words I long to hear from my Mom in every typical Sunday since I were young. Being raised in a family of devout Catholics, my Mom would always scold us, whenever we refused her invitation of going to church together. My Lola who is a Samaritan but had already passed away send us to a Parochial School, and there I was just two years old when I started going to school because during my older sister’s first day of school, I saw some kids my age listening happily on their teachers, and me being jealous to them, started pulling my Lola’s skirt all over again just to convince her to let me join on those kids. I was about to sit on the ground when she carried me and finally, let me join and interact with those kids and after which I had my first ever ID picture but not as a student but just as a visitor because they said that I’m underage yet. Right then I was able to learn how to pray, and learn the Christian doctrines by attending the Catechism classes. The happiest thing that happened to me right then was when I have been always chosen as one of the angels during some of the Christmas programs and I’m often excited whenever they fit the wings on me. That was my spiritual childhood years.

When I went to grade school, we always had Catechism classes conducted by some of the higher years during Wednesday afternoon before having our first period of class. And in my 6th grade, I was the one who voluntarily present myself to conduct Catechism classes to the lower years. I was very happy then, teaching young ones how to pray and make themselves know their God and bring closer to Him. In my high school years, I told my mom that I really want to join in the Charismatic movement that my classmates are joining, but she didn’t allow me because of the fact that many of the students involved there easily get pregnant. So my Mom was just curious about it, so she didn’t let me try to join in it. But during 1st Friday of the month, our school held a mass so I was always the one who would read the Gospel and my Mom would always let me bring some stuff to offer in the mass.

Now in my first year of college, I would probably say that I’m really getting spiritually mature. By the influence of our upperclassmen here in our dormitory, I would always go to church every Wednesday to do the Sacrament of Penance and after that attending on a Doctrine Class conducted by a Member of the Opus Dei, Miss Dulce. Every Saturday, I invite some girls to go to Tawili University Center, a place wherein students are taught how to deal physically, emotionally and most especially, spiritually on our stay here in the University to join activities there like meditation, doctrine classes, confessions and mentoring and lectures. Then I used to have a talk there with my mentor, Miss Vel on what are my concerns and problems with my studies. She taught me how to deal with those stuffs, how to talk with God always, pray without ceasing, pray the Holy Rosary, do some examination of conscience, and how to meditate. Then every month, I would invite some girls to go Tawili to join the recollection. And also, every night, I would invite some girls to pray the Holy Rosary in our meditation room here in our dorm. I’m really happy doing these kind of things, introduce God to people, bring them closer to Him, and help them grow spiritually like what I am experiencing. Then sometimes, somehow thoughts came into my mind way back during my childhood years up to this point in time, that I never really experienced that stage in my life that I didn’t care to have God as the center of my life. Actually, I’m so lucky and thankful, that I had been born in this world with God introduced to me by my family, so I grow up with God, live with Him, love Him unconditionally, and introduce Him unto other people’s life. What I am, is my gift from God, and what I do is my gift to Him. :))))

I really don’t feel like posting on my blog these days. I’m so depressed that i don’t want anybody else to talk with me or have a great time with me. Just so you know, I really don’t have time to post something on my blog because i really don’t feel like it. I just can’t stand it. I just can’t think of anybody else to miss right now as much as I hate missing him. Gaaaahd. This is my life. And I’m sure, this will not be the end of it. These things has anything to with God’s purpose why the hell am I here on earth. So why bother? I will just do the best out of me to cope up with these stuffs.Okay, I’d better go now. Huhu. I still have more things to deal with. 😦