Archive for the ‘My Spiritual Journey’ Category

It was never been an easy thing to deal with, not really, when it’s like you’ve been smashed all  way long, fall into pieces, like you never ever had a chance to make up the things you’ve done and regretted. Not now, not ever. I should’ve sworn to myself that it wouldn’t be like that all the way, that it would came into a point that I would hear some words I hinder myself not to listen enormously. But then again the time has really its own way, for me to embrace the reality of the things I really feel sorry for myself.  That moment when you can’t control those freakin’ emotions, and all you have to do is to cry all day long, keep on telling yourself that it’s not happening to you but then the sense of certainty came into you that you’re only just fooling yourself if you believe on it. Well then, having a failure grade doesn’t really makes you sad, but rather feeling sorry that if you could just only turn back time and do your at most best and not having that embarrassing grade at the end of the sem. But oh, at first, I really can’t accept it. L

It was definitely hard to admit, after hearing those words Ma’am Netura had just understated, I just can help myself but to utter the words, “Ma’am, please give me another chance. Please. I’m willing to take a removal.” But then she replied, “You’re grade is just that LOW. Don’t worry; there is another sem for you to make up.” My jaw dropped unconsciously. It was final. ‘Twas done. And it was very painful. Those words have been slowly absorbed in my head because I was really lost. I was about to protest, but I don’t have any slightest idea what to say at that moment. I was absolutely speechless. The words I long to say was already lost in the middle of nowhere. Then at a fraction of a second, I was back on the reality then suddenly I can’t fight the urge to cry, and it all happened, tears unwillingly flowed in my now pale cheeks. I went out. And in all the places I should’ve went, I found myself on the rest room, mourning and weeping. After a few minutes, I’ve decided to go back to the dorm and have someone to talk to, at least for now; I should have that in mind before I could have done anything else bad to myself.

I was riding in a tricycle, still tears gushing on my face, and my pride tells me to leave it absorbed by the wind.  I was about to enter the dorm when I’ve done something relieving. I called an old friend and tell him what’s wrong with me. What’s really stupid with me is that all I do is just crying and crying and the time I’ve spent on telling him what really happened is just matter of seconds, then someone called me in the back but I just pretended not hearing anything, but considering the fact that he had still an exam to deal with, I shut down my phone and went on inside.

Our room has no one inside it. In the back of my mind, I was comfortable though, at least I have the freedom to grieve all by myself. At one point at a time, I realized I was no longer having that normal pace of breathing. I went out of the room and see if my Ate Ella was at the other room. She was there, and the moment she come to face me, I was crying even harder, harder than ever. She hugged me so tight, and accompanies me to our room. We have a short converse then my Mom called me. Thankfully, she didn’t scold me, she just told me to stop crying, because that bothers her and she doesn’t want anything worse to happen to me. She appealed to travel and come for me then, but I decided not to, coz I know I can manage it anyway. Ate Ella was there for me for about 30 minutes or so, and she told me not to worry about anything. It was just a part of my life. It was my lesson, that I shouldn’t do it anymore that I should strive hard to conquer my weakness and to overcome it finally.

I was relieved by what Ate Ella had said on me. In an instance, I had finally stopped crying. Then I’ve decided to take a bath, considering it was very hot in our room because the power had lost its energy. The moment I went out of the comfort room, I was surprised when my Ate Con-Con came to hug me. She asked me what my problem is then I told her everything. We decided to have a walk together and we came into a halt in the other side of the grandstand I cried even harder even though she told me to stop crying. But then she keeps on telling me that it was just okay. Anyway, there’s still a chance for me to make up and settle things for good. It doesn’t have to mean anything bad, but a reminder to strive even harder, to do my best and to keep it up for my parents. That was so relieving. She also told me not to bother at all, because I will always be with them, who will never fail to not help me even in my darkest days. Even though I haven’t manage to say anything but thank Ate Con-Con, I still have that urge to hug her tightly showing how happy I am and content for what had she just said on me.

After having that heart-to-heart chat with another concerned citizen, Kean, my not-so-close-friend approached me. We then have a talk, and I told him my concern at that moment. He hugged me, and then he also shared what are his worries; that he thought his high school friends are betraying him. Even in grief, I told him my outmost and profound advices for him to deal with it. He thanked me a lot for that and I owe him for comforting me, even though we’re not that close I’m still thankful that we’ve talk about confidential matters which means, he thought that I am that person whom he can trust with. After having a talk with Kean, my friends Nino came beside me and Andrei hugged me so tight. We had a serious chat but I haven’t talked that much, because I had enough to recall what happened to me at all and besides Ate Ella explained that already on them, as what had Nino said.

Well, I went on inside because I really hadn’t much put in mind that we still have the sem-ender party later that night and I still don’t think of anything else to wear. I went to my wardrobe and thankfully I’ve seized a jumper to fit on a Sem-ender Kiddie Party theme. Later on, the party went on. I’ve spent so much fun with the party, took pictures with friends, bidding goodbyes to close friends, and reminiscing memories since the time we innocently entered the dorm which now we call our best home in UPV. After having our short program, the crowd went wild, enjoying every beat of their favorite music. I suddenly remember what my Ate Keysie said that she wants to talk with me. I left the lobby and went to her room. As she was still having a chat with some of my girl dorm mates, I’ve waited for her. After a few more minutes, she went outside her room. Then we settle ourselves on the Wing A study area. I must say that my conversation at that moment with ate Keysie was the most emotional among those chat that I’ve had encountered on that day. I was very touched with every word she stressed on me. I cried so hard then, and what’s so sweet with her is that she wiped every tear that falls under my now tired and weary eyes. At the moment, I thought of my Ate as being a professional psychologist. Those words really inspired me, through perspired eyes, Ate Keysie never failed to make me smile. She said, “Don’t feel like you’re that foolish enough to fail, its just that you were blessed in a different way. Don’t feel bad about it; what is really important is what you are going to do now to start anew. We’re always here for you, but it would always depend on how you are going to make it.” At he end of our conversation, Ate Keysie hugged me so tight, she told me to stop crying but instead, smile, because everything else would be okaaayyyyy. Ohay. L

I’ve learned so many things during that day, after talked with my ever loving Ates and few friends I realized that I’m really that loved. Haaaay. Life is never indeed easy. I have to face all the challenges God has given me in order to be good, and better person. After all, weaknesses really remind us to be depended on God, to know that he existed and will always be there for us. Oh well, just like what we have in our dormitory, I believe it was just another gentle reminder God had given me. For now, I really have to face this challenge and bear in mind to give all my best, all the strength that I could muster, all for His glory.

“Wake up and get ready. Today’s Sunday. We’ll go to the church together.” This would always be the words I long to hear from my Mom in every typical Sunday since I were young. Being raised in a family of devout Catholics, my Mom would always scold us, whenever we refused her invitation of going to church together. My Lola who is a Samaritan but had already passed away send us to a Parochial School, and there I was just two years old when I started going to school because during my older sister’s first day of school, I saw some kids my age listening happily on their teachers, and me being jealous to them, started pulling my Lola’s skirt all over again just to convince her to let me join on those kids. I was about to sit on the ground when she carried me and finally, let me join and interact with those kids and after which I had my first ever ID picture but not as a student but just as a visitor because they said that I’m underage yet. Right then I was able to learn how to pray, and learn the Christian doctrines by attending the Catechism classes. The happiest thing that happened to me right then was when I have been always chosen as one of the angels during some of the Christmas programs and I’m often excited whenever they fit the wings on me. That was my spiritual childhood years.

When I went to grade school, we always had Catechism classes conducted by some of the higher years during Wednesday afternoon before having our first period of class. And in my 6th grade, I was the one who voluntarily present myself to conduct Catechism classes to the lower years. I was very happy then, teaching young ones how to pray and make themselves know their God and bring closer to Him. In my high school years, I told my mom that I really want to join in the Charismatic movement that my classmates are joining, but she didn’t allow me because of the fact that many of the students involved there easily get pregnant. So my Mom was just curious about it, so she didn’t let me try to join in it. But during 1st Friday of the month, our school held a mass so I was always the one who would read the Gospel and my Mom would always let me bring some stuff to offer in the mass.

Now in my first year of college, I would probably say that I’m really getting spiritually mature. By the influence of our upperclassmen here in our dormitory, I would always go to church every Wednesday to do the Sacrament of Penance and after that attending on a Doctrine Class conducted by a Member of the Opus Dei, Miss Dulce. Every Saturday, I invite some girls to go to Tawili University Center, a place wherein students are taught how to deal physically, emotionally and most especially, spiritually on our stay here in the University to join activities there like meditation, doctrine classes, confessions and mentoring and lectures. Then I used to have a talk there with my mentor, Miss Vel on what are my concerns and problems with my studies. She taught me how to deal with those stuffs, how to talk with God always, pray without ceasing, pray the Holy Rosary, do some examination of conscience, and how to meditate. Then every month, I would invite some girls to go Tawili to join the recollection. And also, every night, I would invite some girls to pray the Holy Rosary in our meditation room here in our dorm. I’m really happy doing these kind of things, introduce God to people, bring them closer to Him, and help them grow spiritually like what I am experiencing. Then sometimes, somehow thoughts came into my mind way back during my childhood years up to this point in time, that I never really experienced that stage in my life that I didn’t care to have God as the center of my life. Actually, I’m so lucky and thankful, that I had been born in this world with God introduced to me by my family, so I grow up with God, live with Him, love Him unconditionally, and introduce Him unto other people’s life. What I am, is my gift from God, and what I do is my gift to Him. :))))

Ooooohhhhh. Okayyy. I have this point in mind. I have so much to do with paperworks, assignments, projects, research, laboratory works—- stuffs like that. Well I’m not so sure if i’m doing my best in all areas like these but I’m half pretty sure that I’m doing all of these just to pass I mean just to finish all of these horrendous things in order for me to do things for my pleasure. But hey, I’m not finished yet. It’s just that, whenever, whatever I do, wherever I may go, I’ll just have to make sure that I’m bringing it all up to God and do it for His glory :)))))